Dear Shaffia,
I am so proud of the amazing person you’ve become. Your journey hasn’t been easy I know. I know you’ve been through a lot of heartache and have talked about the huge lump you’ve felt on your chest which kept you awake hundreds of nights. You’d stare into the skies at night and ask why you’re awake when the whole world is sleeping.
There’s so much I want to help you understand about you so that you can be free of the thousands of thoughts and emotions that run through you and stop you from being the incredible person you are. I start with the love, care and affection you talk about all the time.
As an Asian woman you were told not to speak up or vocalise yourself, don’t give your opinion, don’t challenge. Just stay quiet. That’s wrong. You’re entitled to speak up, it matters.
You talk about this everyday
You think about it everyday
And how the lack of it impacted your life growing up
It shaped the difficulties and challenges you were to face.
Mum raised five of us on her own
Her love, care and affection was different
It was feeding us, clothing us and getting us to school and back
Her love, care and affection was worrying where the next meal was going to come from
It was hands on, practical
But you still felt a void.
An emotional void…
Felt something was missing
This feeling of not being enough
Not good enough
And so you set off in life
Seeking love
Seeking care
Seeking attention
On reflection it showed up in doing over and above
Wanting to please everyone
Giving love
Giving care
Giving affection
To fill the void
Now it’s time for change, don’t let these difficulties bring you down, rather use them to help you grow. Every difficulty and challenge you’ve been through had a greater purpose, it was making you think and feel differently. It was teaching you new things, it was developing you as a person, it was finding you, the real you, so that you can say and do all the things you wanted to but this time with renewed intentions of putting you first.
You may have been raised to believe that as an Asian woman your role is to prioritise your home, your kids, your husband and your family. But let me tell you, you can’t actually do any of that unless you prioritise yourself first. It doesn’t work, the negative emotions come out, stress, anger, frustration, bitterness and that’s what spills over to everyone around you. Not good.
As an Asian woman you were told not to speak up or vocalise yourself, don’t give your opinion, don’t challenge. Just stay quiet. That’s wrong. You’re entitled to speak up, it matters.
Don’t underestimate the power of what you have to say and the impact it can have on others.
So many people you’ve spoken to and have helped have told you the difference you’ve made to their lives. Start believing in yourself and the power of what you have to say because it truly is amazing.
As an Asian woman you’re told not to give credit to yourself, not to praise yourself for your efforts. When you start loving and caring for yourself and showing yourself the affection that you deserve, then you’ll know you’re absolutely entitled to praise yourself and appreciate the things you’re able to do.
As an Asian woman you were told prioritising yourself is selfish and ‘how can you neglect yourself children and family.’ What nonsense is that?
Honestly, trust me when I say this – when you make time for you, and then what you do for everyone else around you, it’s done so much better, with so much more love, care and affection.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shaffia Khatun is Co-Founder and Director of SKY Positive Minds. An award-winning charity that works to empower vulnerable women, girls and children from the local community who have experienced domestic abuse, sexual abuse or have been affected by mental health or other challenges. Our Quality for Health award and the MBE equivalent Queen’s Award for Voluntary Service has further cemented our position as one of the most trusted and effective local charities for women and children in North Kirklees. Shaffia has over 20 years experience working with some of the most vulnerable members of society, and has managed refuges and women’s centres, lead teams of professionals, as well as set up projects, both locally and nationally, to help victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse.
Twitter @SKYPositivMinds @KhatunShaffia
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/SKYPositiveMinds/
Instagram skypositiveminds